Sunday, May 29, 2005

Day 8 & 9

Day 8 was Saturday, alas I was in hospital but it was a very black day for me, Pat did post my texts but I did manage to capture my thoughts on paper during that day and here they are.

It is 1900 and it is black, lying in bed the curtains and the walls are spinning and my depression gets deeper, six months of this bus ride when will it end. I am hot, sweaty, my heart beats and I am silently screaming like Euan McGregor in trainspotting when denied his fix!

I am alive with my thoughts in this dungeon, across the way the bed opposite tells story of people dying in A&E to visitors who would be best suited at the base of the scaffold with their knitting. I feel myself despising my fellow room mates for the lack of their apparent illness, swing the lead, not in pain but here for the ride, why do I think that?

I am writing this when I feel like exploding. I do I put my book over my eyes and weep uncontrollably. I do not want to be here, I want to go home, why me, sod the World I want to get off. I am trapped ithe prisonnn cell of life and death staring out at the walls like a condemned man and the wallstaror back and enclose me closer. It is that prisoner bubble with added pain and terror, the World and the Hospital goes on all around you but wanna stop the World and say "I am special stop the World I want to get off"

I cried for an hour with a little nurse called Karen, she held my hand let me exhaust this emotion and frustration, when it was over the pain was still there, the prisonwas still there but I was one step closer to the journeyss end which says one full year without cancer!

I woke up on Day 9 Sunday and drew the conclusion that Hospitals are not for cure but recovery. Cure is a word and something I will have to learn to live with I will never hear. I can be cancer free my no Doctor will ever say I am cured! Day 8, that Sat night was the worst night of my life, the worst moment, but I survived, because I had caring people around me, now what does that tell you?

Hospitals mend the body but not the brain. Last night my brain took over and said its hurst, fortunately my weak body could not move from its prone position racked with pain, dispair and anger.

1 comment:

L said...


I'm really enjoying your blog...ok 'enjoy' isn't the best word I could have chosen - sorry. Really I wanted to point you in the direction of a book called 'C' 'Because cowards get cancer too'. It's an amazing account of coping with head and neck cancer. It's by John "First Mr Nigella Lawson" Diamond, a journalist and I really recommend it. It's not an easy read, but a very worthwhile one.

Hope today is a good one.