Saturday, July 23, 2005

Day 64 - Weak men believe in luck, strong men is cause an effect

I spent most of Saturday tucked up in bed, alas the longer you sleep the longer you are away from taking the painkillers. I have worked out that because my saliva rates are low I actually dribble in the night, charming for a lover but then if you sleep alone then how can it be embarrassing!

It has not been a "lucky" week for me in fact my luck at the moment would mean attendance at swingers party would end up getting my own keys and missing all the action, not that the concept appeals to me, wrestling with a sumo couple from Bideford squeezed into their best leather chaps!

Well thank you for all the concern about the fish, however I did have this fear of sitting on the loo and having fish staring at you out of the toilet plan. This did not help last night when I decided to dispose of half eaten rice crispies down the same loo. Tonight the thought of fish gorging on rice crispies is a fear that I will have to conquer when using the old white telephone.

The last couple of days I have a sackful of visitors and thanks to Chris, Steve, Jan and Tallia for making Thursday/Friday/Sat go so quickly. I must admit everyone remarked how well I looked I am not sure what they were expecting but "news of my death have been exaggerated" I told you last week that I feel reasonably well apart from the pain in my tonsil, throat and tongue area now being affected daily by the radiotherapy. In fact with the help of the morphine I am able to negate the pain for a few hours. I thought the skin would break up on my neck where the radio waves enter my body and maybe that will happen in time, but the regular creaming of the spot has meant that patch is just no more than sun burn.

I have just 2 more days to the next session of chemo, the start being getting into the Hospital about 4pm on Monday, and seeing the doctor, then coming home for a few hours before returning to the hospital overnight for the midnight start of the 23 hour drips and the constant beeping of GIMPS as the fluid drips run out. I think mentally I am a lot more prepared for the session, and I know what to expect, however with my white cells at their lowest I only hope that Friday's blood test has risen otherwise an injection would be required to stimulate the production of white blood cells in my bone marrow. It is only normal for chemo to lower my blood count and I have been expecting an infection of some sort which I have managed to avoid. The experts have said I may not have the side effects as my body will have adjusted to cisplatin or I may have stronger side effects because my immune system is well shot. Well this time next week I will know and find out. It will not be easy next week but at least I will be more prepared this time.

The visit yesterday of Jan and her 2 year daughter Tallia was a joy. It was great to see them both, and her daughter is delightful, as most 2 year old daughters are. There is a clear difference between the girls and boys at that age but what it did do is bring me back on how bad I miss my children and family life. I do not miss my old family life, that is the past and there is no going back, what it did prove to me what I have been thinking for the last 4 months that my destiny lies with family life, the joy, the support and joy it brings alongside my burning desire to be a father again. It is easy when you are ill to play the victim but my illness can not be attributed to anyone thing so forget the victim I cannot control the past, only the future and lets face it I do produce fantastic children with their fathers good looks!

Keep attacking! N x

1 comment:

battypatty said...

I agree you have produced 2 beautiful children but everyone says how much more like me you look than my own children SOOOOO - you have inherited my good looks!