Sunday, June 12, 2005

Chose pain or gain Day 23

Pain 7, storm force 9 at times
Mental attitude 3 at time veering 5 and Northerly
Smoothies 0 but there is still time before bed
E bay purchases 1

I was reminded today that when I went into hospital I had no pain. I suspect that in 2 weeks when I face the mother of all treatments the current pain will have subsided replaced by blind fear and the pain of chemotherapy and radiation treatment.

I can assure you at 0200 this morning I got up and asked myself the question is this pain or gain. Is this all worth it? Now I can hear you scream you are 41, 2 great children blah blah and your right, but I am still allowed to think is it all worth it? Unless you have been here on the bus which has stopped and broken down the remaining positive all the time is simply not a response that we humans are conditioned to. I feel like Winsto Churchill during the darkest hours in 1940 and 41 giving rousing speeches only to retreat to the war rooms and drink himself silly to hide his fear.

It is not just the pain, it is the loss of dignity. I have noticed how the body reacts to illness, the simplest moment in my body sparks off painful electric shocks in my face, head and jaw. Your digestive systems goes into overdrive and controlling bowel movement becomes a skill akin to playing the bagpipes, holding your breath, squeezing in and marching briskly all at the right time. I have been affected by thrush as a by product of the antibiotics making simple things as using the loo a painful and harsh experience.

On top of this I have to live with the permanent fear of early death and future regime of pain which will be unleashed on this weak body in 2 weeks time.

In English medicine we treat the medical condition and not the mind. We are great at being able to diagnose and treat, but fail to see the benefit in positive mental attitude. I have yet to decide whether to get aggressive with cancer, beat it up and say "You bastard your finished" or treat it in a more rational manner and banish it and the thoughts from your mind.

Friends say to me we do not know what to say. I say do nothing, treat me normally, look me in the eyes and in your eyes hurt with me, your eyes will show you are with me on this long and hard journey.

There were two positives today, no three, the chance to see Sarah, William and Ellen, the chance to get out of the house tonight when O took me to the beach to dip my feet in the clean water of Dawlish Warren. The house had become a prisoner, I know I do not want to over do things but I felt trapped into a mundane regime which was not taxing my brain. The walk tonight proved that my fitness is fine and the pain subsides during walking. The last bit of good news is that I can slowly get back into walking something I have sadly missed over the past 4 weeks.

I am still strong in body and mind, but wanted to share my heart out today not for sympathy but out of understanding, that it hurts big time inside.

Keep attacking Nigel

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