Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Day 25 - Return of the mask

Smoothies: 1
Pain: 3
Looks: 10/10 of course
Mind: Sound
Thoughts about missing this years Glastonbury: 3
£160 up after day one of Royal Ascot

As the days move forward there is a feeling of the mundane setting in, and it appears on my small horizon, which is my isolated life. Today saw another trip to the hospital to have a scan wearing my mask whilst strapped to a scanning table. When I say strapped I mean strapped, the mask encloses your face and there is less than 5mm to spare. You cannot move, your breathing becomes constricted and life takes a new dimension. It is here when you ask why me. The table moves inside the scanner and after sixty seconds it is all over. The nurse told me it would be the same every single day, just 60 seconds a each day on the radiation table, but the after effects will last a life time.

I do have a fear of loneliness setting in over the summer so I have made moves on the volunteering front, bit early to say but there are two things that really I would like to do. I have also made moves with FORCE to establish a support group for blokes with cancer, more to follow, but some blokes are just crap at going to the doctors, realising we are seriously ill and fail to cope with emotions.

I was able to have my first Swedish massage today at the FORCE centre, Emma who I met today soon realised that my left side of my shoulder was a mess and gently worked her magic into releasing my mind and muscles to a more relaxed spiritual inner self. In just 24 hours with the pain killers and the massage and the knowledge that soon I will be in a daily mundane routine, which I know, I will dislike and rebel against. I do have control, my life back, not scared to make decisions, my voice and throat returning to normal and pain of surgery subsiding. Alas I know full well the voice and throat will suffer over the next 8 weeks.

I have my life back, today I was able to do some gentle housework, you know tickling the dust and spraying the bathrooms with scented cleaners. What it did for me is brought me back to a sense of reality. I walked very slowly 2 miles tonight with no ill effects, not out of breath and returned well. I know I have to be careful lifting, pulling but walking helps the release of the muscles and helps the stress levels.

Tomorrow sees another trip to the Force centre for a counselling and the midweek relaxation session, boy I am looking forward to that. I may have told you I pick up Pat and Ron’s old car tomorrow. Lizzie the love of my life my 21 year old babe fired first time today but there is no chance I can drive her for some months, with no powered steering her 2.5 tonnes will remain on the drive. I have never been a car queen so the runabout will give me freedom and flexibility during the next few months. It will also mean I can get to friends around and gives me some independence, which will spiritually lift me. The last few weeks

I have given a lot of thought to my future, I see it living my life for me and the start comes tonight as I book my flights to India in November, bring on life!

Sleep tight another day, another learning experience, what have you learnt today?

I have learnt that life does not need to be complicated and relaxation can be found in many different ways.

1 comment:

marta said...

Hi my lovely,

India sounds fantastic, what a great idea to aim for.

Now i know your sad about glastonbury but i will bring you back some special little presents. A kaftan, a multi-coloured rasta hat, and lots of mud!! Hows that?

:-)