Sunday, June 19, 2005

Day 30 - Pagan weekend

The weekend draws to a conclusion and I hope the pain will start to conclude. I was unable to conclude a blog entry on Friday because I lost the plot.

I had a Doctors appointment on Friday afternoon to attempt to resolve the pain. Simon Rains is my Doctor and I have nothing but the most admiration for him. I broke down and cried as I described the ongoing pain, the shoulder throbbing, the crease line cut, which burns and feels on fire and the nerve ending electric shocks added to the pain in my skull behind my left ear. The pain got worse as I stood up and frequently it would paralyse me with a shock type pain, which would last up to 10 seconds. I came away from the surgery and made my way to the chemist.

I had been prescribed a morphine sulphate solution to add to my existing painkillers. It was clear that the pain and the stress would get to me. I walked into the chemist and there she was stood next to the chair meant for people like me. The young fat girl in private school uniform, the one that refused to give up her seat for me despite the fact I was in agony. This time was different, she was stood I paid the 13 plus quid for my prescription and used tactics last seen at Stalingrad swooping on the chair and disposing “Dipsy” from her perch.

On the walk back home I lost the plot the pain, stress, confusion, anger set in I made it to the village green sat on the seat and broke down is tears, and the why me syndrome set in. When the pain gets tough and the future is just more pain and tears with radiotherapy and chemo your mind questions the reason to go on. Is the pain worth it? I sat on the bench and sobbed just wanting to go back to the life I had 5 weeks ago without the knowledge that I have a potentially fatal illness. The trouble with crying in a public setting is that you are exposed for all to see, but I did not care, I had the need to cry and I did it in style.

Crying helped. This weekend despite the heat was incredibly quiet trying to ease the pain, worrying about going back to the Doctor on Monday and the search for restoring the quality of life from 1 out of 10 to nearer 5, the drugs have done that but longer term I need to start to see mend and recovery from surgery.

I was able to recoup my losses earlier in the week from Royal Ascot and made a staggering £37.50 profit in 5 days. However, add that to my first ever sale on e-bay of £2.34p I will be off to the newsagent tomorrow ordering the yacht brochures!

I am going to spend this week moving on from learning chords and A, E and D and moving forward in putting together my picture and art portfolio. I hope to have designed my first greeting cards and postcards by the end of the week so time to turn the negetivity of pain into artistic positive energy.

I had taken a strong stance against armchair doctors, a posting on Friday to a request for support to sent off into a panic and frenzy. It was clear that the postee told me “go get a PEG tube fitted now” I have had what you had and you need the tube, (which is a feeding tube inserted into your tummy now as it is less painful). Now this guy really wound me up, ok he has had the same illness as me but we are all different. I felt like replying, look mate I have a tonsil, wisdom tooth and the left side of my neck out but still be able to eat normally from 2 hours after the operation. For those that know me I am able to cook and fend for myself, I blend, cook, smoothie and my juice maker works daily. If I have to breakdown my food my solids into blended food I will do, but it will be a last resort.

I was very lucky as another cancer sufferer wrote today and said “hey ignore them it is not as bad as you think”

Sleep tight! Keep attacking Nigel

Big thank you to Pat, Ron, Orp, Kevin, Sarah and Will and Ellen for my super Fathers day gifts.

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