Friday, June 24, 2005

Day 34 - Happy Birthday

Sennen Cove 31/10/04 this is called "Indian Autumn" look how many things are going on in it, the ship, bloke in the sea, the patterns on the beach, I love this picture, alas I was there when someone broke my heart. (See later post)

A would like to start off this blog by wishing Sarah, mum of William and Ellen a Happy 40th birthday, whilst we have not always seen eye to eye in life, which was a shame I wish you well and thanks for your support.

Today has been very strange, it started at 0430 am this morning with I must say the most enormous thunder clap I have ever heard over my house, this continued for 4 hours and the strength, power and violence of that storm. I had an appointment at a local school which was under storm water and raw sewage when I arrived so I tactfully retreated and suggested we meet again. I am working with a local school developing a business plan with them under a voluntary scheme called take 5 it should be fun and puts my management consultancy experience to great use.

Today has been pretty crap, I had until 6 tonight not really eaten for 36 hours, mainly because I did not want to, however a binge this evening has left me feeling a bit bloated and unwell.

I am finding the frustration of simple things stressful, one moment I am full of energy the next very lethargic and unable to do simple things like book concert tickets etc. I am trying to do things mentally and they do not just get done or fixed. I have become stressed and noticed that relaxation efforts have seen me unable to relax, maybe through lack of sleep, but maybe through the cycle of emotions my mind is going through. I have that meaningless outlook today.

I think some of it is not having medical attention for 7 days. I have spent hours going to and fro hospital and now that has stopped until Tuesday when I have my pre Chemo and Radiation sessions. Then 6 days wait for my first overnight stay. There is a feeling of withdrawal a lack of support, perhaps even frightened of being alone medically. I know it is a classic feeling after treatment has finished but surprised to feel it mid term.

I found myself having to choose between watching big brother and Glastonbury, of course Glastonbury won, does not quite seem the same this year without John Peel. This time last year I was there watching Oasis what a difference a year makes. Mad Marta is there and I know she will not mind the mud and slush and asked her to have a pint of warm cider with ginger with me.

The 12 months can only be described as horrible. I ended up with cancer, emotionally I was taken for a huge ride in my love life falling madly in love with a woman who I thought could bring me happiness only to find it one way and all me. Her motives based upon sex and financial security for her. I did tell her I was ill as we did keep loosely in touch, but nothing, no reaction, naff all. You know I am still angry to this day, those who know the story will understand why.

It is really hard when your tired to remain positive I know my darling friend O has tried tonight but it is best to nod and agree with me and let me wake up tomorrow refreshed and waiting for a new dawn, one day closer to recovery.

Night all, keep attacking even I am stuck in the cider bar, listening to the Doves x

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