Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Day 39 - London calling

Today I am off to London.

I have established that my style and approach to life is a cross between Bob Geldolf with the delivery of Gordon Ramsey. Passionate and too the point.

This blog contains some very deep emotional stuff that I have though long and hard about sharing, but as I approach the most important 7 weeks of my life I feel I want to share it.

On the train.

The first part of my train journey involves the local train wending its way through the Exe estuary to Exeter. I feel quite passionate about Britain Railways not from a nostalgic view point of being a second generation railwayman but from a perspective of the environmental benefits, after all the total time travelling from my house to Central London will today be less than 3 hours.

I am sitting opposite a bloke on the train who has either piles or has just been told that dream retirement posting is in fact Bazri and not Bali as his PA had written down the message incorrectly. He has not smiled since Exeter, where I got on. :)

Train journeys are good for thinking, I thought about things, my childhood in particular, I was the youngest of three, battypat is 15 years older than me, I think, my brother is 10. I am sure my mother lost the plot, she herself had a crap childhood coming from war torn Sheffield. I was the intelligent one from the Council estate who only survived getting beaten by the rough lads because I was good at sport and battypat looked out for me. I always remember being bullied at school by Stephen Brennan, one day his bullying went too far he was punching me I picked up a stick and whacked him with it; he went home crying ten minutes his mother was at my door my mum bless her asked me did I hit "Stephen" with a stick, "I replied no Mum, with my fist which mum slammed the door, and I sneaked off back to my bedroom smirking to myself. I was only 8 at the time but bullies never came near me again.

My mother regularly beat me as a child with what ever implement she could find I remember a wooden scholl sandal and at 14 she beat me with a metal tray in front my dad who did nothing. I still loved my parents, but I wonder if they loved me. My mother from an early age used to shout and scream at me, call me greedy, and words I never knew the meaning of, I do now and they were not very nice. I get the sense that I was not wanted, depised by her, I was lucky I had my sister around I think worse things would of happened.

The abhorence of cruelty to anything still exists into my adulthood as I try and prevent my son from performing " Billy the spider has 8 legs, 7 legs, 6 legs, etc with a real insect! You get the picture with that game. My children are not wrapped in cotton wool, but alternative forms of discipline which do not involve violence and abusive work.

It took the help of a therapist and lots of counselling to help me through 2 years ago. When I was 10- 16 I was not allowed to have friends around, I am trying to think whether I had any true friends apart from Stephen Lawry who has stuck by me for the last 30 years. I had difficulty making friendships, because I wanted more I wanted love, I wanted to BE held as child and told I would be safe, it never came. I would wake up and hug my pillow wanting the love and affection every child wanted, it never came.

This has caused me huge problems in early adulthood. I had an issue over relationships with women not believing that someone would love me. But that was then so I felt such joy this year when I had everything I wanted, alas a little more bodily than I really wanted the rest is history. Not cancer, where did that come from from in my wildest dreams cancer has come from no where.

My train journey gave me the opportunity to escape my 5 weeks of being cocoanut in my house and my World. It is a very scary experience.

I love looking out of the window imaging peoples lives and experiences, looking through their windows, gardens, towns and shops and trying to reflect on their day.

It is Reading. A guy just came and sat next to me and buggered off, result! There is a young babe sitting opposite, looks 23 ish off for an interview judging by her dress sense. She is reading my emails I have printed off I will let her, must be a quite interesting reading upside down. I feel like reaching across and say its ok "dear" in my best Michael Winner voice I have cancer!

I am dead nosy on trains and pubs and love people watching, have some stories to tell. I love recalling stories, great dinner guest even better host!

I have managed to make it into a taxi. I found Paddington scary, being virtually on my own for 6 weeks just walking through the station has made me nervous.

My day at Lambeth was good, I could see people hurting with me in their eyes, admiring my scars, for some reason, I suppose they did feel uncomfortable turning stories around and making them feel good. The games we play as adults to avoid hurting people.

The day went well, many thanks to Hillary Roberts to helping through it see you soon Lambeth.

Nigel x

Keep attacking!

PS: My new mooring can be seen 24 hours a day so you can see me in action! 2nd mooring from the left closet to the foreshore.

1 comment:

battypatty said...

reading some of this gave me a very strange feeling as it felt like I was reading the story of my childhood , 15 years down the line and nothing changed. I sometimes strive to remember ever being held or kissed by my mother ( my father wasn't allowed to ) but the only time I can remember her touching me was to check for nits! They say a beaten child will beat their children but that is crap - both Nigel & I feel most strongly that there are plenty of ways to punish a child without resorting to violence. Stll, what goes rouns certainly has come round , big hugs, baby bro