Friday, March 17, 2006

St Patrick's Day - 12 months today

Fact of the day: 600 hours parliamentary time spent on fox hunting, 6 hours spent on the invasion of Iraq - nuff said!

12 months ago today I was leaning against my neck and found a lump, you know the rest.

This week has been very strange, it started badly with a sharp stabbing pain in my left shoulder which contorted with pain. I was locked for 30 minutes just unable to move, muscular I think but who knows. I was in Paris feeling helpless miles away from the safety of the Royal Devon & Exeter Hospital. An internal pain comes and you feel the worse, it maybe muscular but we do not have x ray vision.

My trip to France was tinged with sadness, my ex partner told me that she was dating again before I left. We had a long chat and I gave her the benefit of my wisdom. I wished her luck. Why should she not date after I have and do, it was just the stark realisation that closure was taking place on a period in my life.

In the last 12 months I have been close to closure, my death, other peoples deaths, people died overnight in the ward I was in, alas closure became clinical, but not this closure because of course it involved the most important 2 people in my life, William and Ellen. I wish I tried harder in my relationship, I wish I had not realized I was doing too much and walking away by, stealth from the family I loved so much. I wish I never ran ever ran a recruitment company or became involved with Dawlish Town and wish I had the courage to stay and work it out. It maybe the past but boy it still hurts and now it is closed and I need to move on. My one regret in life.

I can count my lucky stars that I have had 12 months extra life, when the odds are 2-1 against me living 5 years. I have become a better person, realising the strengths and qualities I have, be quixotic about life and death and alas more selfish about me.

There are some good things I have virtually given up drinking, wine burns my mouth, it is like drinking battery acid, my tongue sets on fire and my left gum expands with the pain and the heat. As for beer, some does the same, I may have the odd pint of guniness but my drinking days are history. This week I have been beating myself up about the causes of my cancer, was it the drink, smoking pubs, or just bad luck.

Life moves on for me I have no idea, all I know is that I have 2 days with my children this weekend and nothing makes me smile more.

Keep attacking

The Ferryman

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