14 years ago tomorrow I was told I have cancer of mouth & neck. I struggle mentally each year, at the same time, over the next 2 weeks it will be a regression. 14 years ago I was told I would require two operations. One to remove cancer in my mouth. The other the removal of cancerous lymph glands. in my neck. The latter operation resulting in the permanent removal of neck muscles, severing of nerves that would leave part of left arm inoperable for life, areas of my head and neck numbed forever and a head balancing on just balancing with only half a set of neck muscles. This surgery combined with chemo and radiotherapy to my head should clear cancer. If you have read this blog you will see it did. Whilst I am "cured" physically the mental scars continue. Yes, I suffer daily pain, have a body that cannot operate in the same way it is formed because of a lack of muscles and movement and deaf on my left side as a result of radiotherapy. My mouth needs extra care, my teeth are at risk of loss due to osteoradionecrosis. Oh and a wonky smile!
I do not moan about these challenges as I am alive. Whilst physically I am in amazing shape and live with my challenges, mentally the next two weeks are like a living hell for me.
I dread for the next 2 weeks. I relive the journey from cancer discovery to radical neck dissection (a 7-day journey) and trapped in a quiet hospital ward (over the bank holiday) my life changed forever. The weather becomes warmer, the smells of summer, the flowers and longer days I dread.
I retreat in my private life, In my work I become very busy, I become more fit than I am. My Fitbit tells me I am 40, when I am actually 55. I cope, but sharing my aniexity helps despite there is nothing I want people to do but understand why I feel this way in the last 2 weeks in May every year.
I am blessed I am here and alive, but in #MentalHealthAwareness week it is important to stress that whilst surgery and medical treatment are life savers the after effects of any life-changing treatment are often mental.
Women, Men and Children have treatment daily. We all deal with things differently. I started this blog the day after finding out about cancer to express myself, tell you my emotions and stop the phone ringing.
It is ok to say, I am anxious, but not scared about cancer, that is the last thing I worry about. It is the memories, the tastes, the smells, the sounds, the anxiety of having to see the next two weeks out are a small price to pay for seeing my children reach adulthood and keep me here to see it.
So next time a friend, lover or workmate says they are anxious or under stress understand that life is not the movies but real and listen, support and protect. That way we can all keep attacking!
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