The annual slog - The cancer research 10K

I have some good news today. Its flat, what is I hear you ask my tyre, your chest or your apartment, no Bournmeouth seafront!

It is that time again. My legs hurt and I would rather be in a large comfy chair being waited on by people serving me tea. I can but dream having just returned from a 7k run in readiness for the annual 10k charity bash.

I have raised over £3000 for Cancer Research in the 3 years since my treatment finished. This will be my 4th year

I am taking part in the Bournemouth Seafront, very flat on 18/10/2009 to raise funds for Cancer Research UK and would really welcome your support.

Of course I am going to beg for your money, but I know there is a credit crunch on.

This is my 4th 10k Cancer Research since my cancer treatment and to date I have raised over £3000.Please take a moment to sponsor us. It's really easy - you can donate online by credit or debit card at the following address: http://www.run10ksponsorme.org/thegoodies

All donations are secure and sent electronically to Cancer Research UK. If you are a UK taxpayer, Justgiving will add an automatic 28% bonus to your donation at no cost to you, making it worth even more. Please join us in supporting Cancer Research UK and a fabulous cause!If you wish to arrange something as low risk as a dress down day I would be delighted to add your collection to my total so that I can raise that £1000 a year I promised to Cancer Research.

I am also running the Great West Ron (Half Marathon) to celebrate 5 years Cancer free in May next year, care to join me?

http://www.thegreatwestrun.co.uk/html/2010_entry.html


Thanks and best wishes, Nigel

4.5 years and counting

I today had my last but one hospital appointment before the all clear. (Five years being the all clear) Having been through mouth cancer you know when something is not quite right but today I was confident if not nervous. Jen, my wife was on her way to New York the first time I had missed an appointment without her, but safe in the knowledge that I was ok.

I had cheated before hand as I had seen my dentist on Friday and attended today just before my hospital appointment so I had the double safeguard.

This check up was even more nerve racking having visited my mother on Friday. Mum is not the woman I knew she is frail, less than 6 stones and potentially with cancer. Mum has also Lewins Dementia which is a very nasty form in itself and has seen my mother over the last 10 years fall victim to this shocking illness.

The challenges of living with the after effects of cancer cannot be understated. I have often raised the point of the mental effects of the treatment but also the physical side. In my own case I get on with life with a half functioning muscle system in the top of of my shoulder and neck. I tend to shy away from the term less-abled because I do most things just takes me a bit longer to do things and hurts more! It has also left me partially deaf and physically scared though you have to look hard to see the joins where they sewed my head back on!

So as I move into the last 6 months of my remission I have been invited to sit with the SW peninsula head and neck experts as a patient representative, a task I wholly relish but one I hope can support clinicians and patients through this horrid journey.

Keep attacking Nige

Still in shock

I am in shock this morning. I walked into my office ready for a days work and to be honest cried my eyes out. An unsual reaction for a 45 year old bloke in his 4th year of remission with cancer but one when I explain the reason you will understand.

When I get here in my life and mind I start to play my favourite song, Yellow by Coldplay. Orpah recorded it for me when I was ill and in those dark days despite it being sunny and warm of 2005 it gave me faith that I was wanted and needed by my friends and family. Orpah then had a beautiful baby called Emily, Emily was not well as a little baby but now is as beautiful as a toddling toddler she has now adopted yellow.

I met my brother last evening Dave who told me that my mum has suspected cancer. For those who do not know my mother she is 81 and lives in a residential home in Exmouth. Mum has lewins dementia for those who do not know about lewins I will not bore you with it now but it is a terrible illness. Mum is not well, even more so now it is suspected that my mum has the illness that I had. The worry for mum is that because of her illness and age treatment will be difficult. The treatment is a long game and the medical people are just not sure she is it up to it. If not then I will ensure she gets all the help she can and pain relief if we get to that stage.

I ahd just finished reading Alan Bennett's Diaries about his experience with his mother with Lewins. It brought home the shocking truth of an illness which is just put down as old age.

I have my last 4 year check up on Monday, my last before my 5 year check up. It has rocked me back and slapped me in the face to say cancer is still here and around me. Last year it was my nephew Mark and now my mum.

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, and everything you do, Yeah they were all Yellow.

Keep attacking!

The cancer mind needs treating

At the weekend I had a visit from my relations.

A dear friend of their mother is suffering with breast cancer. The story sounded very familiar a clinical approach but her doctors to her problem which largely ignored the psychology effects that the treatment of her treatment.

In my earlier blog postings I waxed lyrical to the point of tedium about the lack of psychology treatment to cancer people by those providing health related services. Those who go through cancer treatment are often in a process which is invariably poorly explained (though not in my case) and left to fend to themselves when it comes to dealing with the "post traumatic stress" of being told you could die from this!

The psychology effects are usually left to the third sector if they exist. In the case I heard about this weekend the hospital are doing a wonderful job fighting the effects of cancer but providing very little help in the mind journey that the patient has to undertake. I have a view that in some cases it is arrogance from the part of the clinician in some cases in is treating the process as a production line, but it in most cases it is not understanding the mental processes of those who are undertaking the treatment.

My Oncology Consultant was truly shocking in his understanding of my mental journey yet my surgeon was spot on. It is this inconsistency that I hear about on a weekly basis. I read of couples who split up after Cancer and the trauma it causes.

I am sad that 4 years on from my treatment the NHS are still struggling to support the mind as well as the body in this complex treatment.

Keep attacking !

Memories

Our senses tell us something is wrong. Our senses tell us that the jockey on the 3.40 at Kempton Park will not win because he is wearing the wrong colours! So my wife says as she picks winners based upon colours of silks - never mind all that form book and breeding rubbish.

Today was a day where my sense of smell reminded me of this week 4 years ago, this is where the pain really kicked in. My treatment to date would have been a neck disection and the associated pain that that brought. However this is where things really go nasty, the 6 weeks of radiotheraphy(still an oxymoron) to my head, mouth and neck and 3 sessions of chemo.

I spent this morning at Torbay Grammer School with Will, who by now is nearly as tall as me and at 10 is destined to be a second row forward. I was front row so I suppose it is promotion!

I am on leave today and decided to take the train back from Newton Abbot to Hampshire. As the train wended its way around the beautiful South Devon coast I could see the tide is out. I whinced because I knew I would not like what I would smell!

Regular readers of my blog will know that during my treatment I was leaving in Starcross. Starcross fronts onto the river Exe and is only separated by Brunel's railway to South Devon. It was this railway that I was riding. I approached Dawlish Warren and could see the tide was out. That meant only one thing. The Exe would smell. Not an unpleasant smell like teenage boys pe bags but a smell where sea meets river. It is a pungent seaish smell, but not quite sea smell.

I remember the heat of July 2005 and the smell of the river. Instantly I was transported back to the bads days. The chemo would make me ill with normal smells, the sea, food and perfume. For a few nervous minutes I was transported back to a time I want not to forget, but just remember.

The train sped through Starcross. I realised that my love of the River and that view had been diminished and now turned into a horror show. When I left Starcross I was glad to leave because of the haunting memories I have. It is a real shame because just .5 mile away is the ebach I was brought up upon Dawlish Warren.

I suppose over time they will dimish and disapear. Actually I do not think they will.

I live with pain everyday in the shape of my left head and neck. Their mobility restricted by my life saving operation. This in turn means that my movement is restricted and hurts.

It is funny how memory both good and bad affect our lives, at least I am still here.

Keep attacking! Nige

4 years today

I was deliberately busy today.

I suppose I should crack open the champagne and celebrate.

Regular readers of my blog will know that if their sums are right today is the anniversary of cancer being discovered and that fateful day when I was told I had cancer.

I have never been a celebrator but always feel my anniversary to be traumatic - its not the 17th that worries me it is the week after the 23rd, the day of my brutal neck dissection that has left me less-abled a bit of pain everyday but suppose I am alive.

Friends sent best wishes and family loved me today. I have a lot to be thankful for even in the rain I smiled.

Next weekend will be the rela challenge as I remember it like it was yesterday waking up with the pain, the staples in my neck, the tubes drawing off blood into large bottles and the morphine, on joy it is going to be one hell of a week.

Keep attacking Nige

Always believe that you can reach your dream

I have awoke early and in my inbox is an email.

I have never met Sarah but have in my mind and heart. That may sound strange but when you have sat where Sarah has you will know what I allude to.

I have replied to Sarah that is between us but for all you others who are fighting or nursing love ones through just look at the courage of Sarah from her email below.



Dear Nigel,

Please accept my apologies for this intrusion. You don't know me, but i wanted to thank you for posting your blog - it has been my guide and companion over the last 6 weeks and I am grateful that you took the time to detail your experiences so honestly, allowing me to gain insight into what was in store for me. I know it's been some time now since you were dealing with cancer, but I came across your blog after reading your posts on the mouth cancer awareness sight. The forums there were getting me down and your strong responses really stood out - you were writing what i had been thinking. I have since read and re-read your blog to track my progress against yours as i make my way through a very similar treatment plan.

I am 37 and was diagnosed was a cancer on my tongue back in November. I had surgery and I am now in week 6 (of 6) of RT and have had 2 rounds of cisplatin. As I write, I know i have just 4 more RT sessions to go, but life is very miserable and i just want to stop now. I know that you had very serious health issues in your last weeks of RT and wondered whether you finished the complete course of RT? I am thinking of packing it in and wondered if you made it through to the end?Apologies again for intruding, but thank you for the blog. It has been a big support to me.

Best wishes Sarah

Sarah if you are reading go watch this you tube video it makes me cry - why because I remember the pain of so badly wanting to reach the dream of freedom from cancer and treatment. Sarah I knwo you are over the treatment now - it will be 2 to a month before the pain in your mouth and throat starts to subside - be strong it does get better I promise!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

This is the reason for my blog.

I started my blog nearly 4 years and as you may see I am pretty rubbish at keeping it up to date. I do however get mail from time to time from people who need help and advice and on the night before the 4th anniversary of finding my lymph gland lump on my neck I feel I should share one such mail that did touch me.

Keep attacking!

Hello,

  It may be strange to send a note to a complete stranger, but I wanted to thank you for posting your blog. My 49 year old brother in law starts his first round of heavy doses of chemo tomorrow for his battle with tonsil cancer that has metastasized and spread throughout his body. He prognosis is not good ( stage 4 with bilateral lymph node involvement and in his bloodstream) and will be having similar treatments, radiation, neck dissection etc, that you endured during your battle with cancer. I wanted to thank you for your honest, scary and completely amazing story. You are giving hope to many people in my family. I read your complete journal in an afternoon to try to better understand what my sister and her husband and children are possibly going to have to go through. I am sorry you suffered. I think we all may be better prepared for what is to come due to your painfully honest and complete story. I hope you are happy, well and that you continue to live a good life. My family thanks you very much.

I have obviously taken the name out of the email but when all seems rubbish and the credit crunch bites spare a thought for those amazing people fighting, cancer, starvation and those fantastic people who help fight it!

Thank you so much for your kind donations

Friends thank you so much - the donation figures currently stand at £1140.


Total donated online:
£1,140.00

Gift Aid plus supplement:
£201.67

That makes a total donation of £1341.67

Your donations make me humble - thank you very much I will not let you down on Sunday.

Keep attacking Nigel

Overton no more!

As part of my 10k training I rather stupidly undertook the Overton 5 mile race on Sat to get myself match fit for the Bowood House 10k in just 13 days!

I came 412 out of 420, yes 8th from last! There were just 8 people behind me. I would like to thank the race organiser for describing the course as undulating. They lied it was bloody hilly! I do dislike proper races like the Overton "5" as it was the last in Hampshire Summer league.

The guy that won the race did it in under 25 minutes which means he ran the hilly course in under 5 minutes a mile - now that takes some going. In fact it was one of those horried 2 circuit courses whereby you had to try and get onto the 2nd circuit before the leader lapped you on his way home!

I strolled in with a 53 minutes and 10 seconds! My wife was pleased with that time considering the hills, I was mortified! Half way round the 1st circuit I felt like giving up. I am very lucky my treatment has only left me with restricted movement of my left shoulder and arm - the trouble with running long distances is that I have to work hard to counter the lack of control of my leftside of my body so hence it gets painful and I have to compensate with bad running posture.

I thought running would be ok after treatment but to be honest it is hardwork, but with nearly £1000 riased by everyone for my run in just 13 days time I cannot moan after all I am here and well.

I say that because I have a dear friend and dear man who is younger than me married with 2 boys and a beautiful wife. He is suffering Parikinsons. He gave up his sucessful lawyer career because of his health. On Saturday we were with them. It was a magical evening. It just shows that whatever life throws at you it should not stop you being and needing to surround yourself with things that are dear. We are thinking of doing a trip round Europe in a VW beetle, you know two blokes in VW but I think we will try the Isle of Wight first!

Whatever we do together we will be happy, safe in the knowledge that we have life and a chance to enjoy it!

Keep attacking N

It is that time of year again

It is Nigel's 3rd year of survival after treatment. I know he asks you every year for money he is worse than Mr Darling. However this year is different we have enlisted a team! I am not sure whether he has paid them but we are upping the stakes.

This year my nephew Mark was hit with Hodgkinsons.

Last year Nigel raised £1500 on his own, we aim to raise £2000 to allow Cancer Research to continue thier amazing work. If you go to a 10k read the race badges and the reasons why people are running. One in three of us will be affected. Please donate online or pledge to us our happy band of sisters.

And we promise Nigel will find another way next year of getting your cash!

Donating through Justgiving is quick, easy and totally secure. It’s also the most efficient way to sponsor me: Cancer Research UK gets your money faster and, if you’re a UK taxpayer, Justgiving makes sure 25% in Gift Aid, plus a 3% supplement, are added to your donation.

http://www.run10ksponsorme.org/petitstrotteursdelondres

Thank you again. Nigel

3 year all clear

The wait at the specialist clinic was only 90 minutes late this time. An emergency delayed everything! Interesting point but it happens every time. From a customer service perspective it hard to get angry with the people that saved your life and may do in the future so you chill and smile, underneath seethe.

Today's appointment gave me the all clear. As it is my 3rd year appointment I now move to a 4 monthly appointment regime. I also have the emergency call in process if I feel things are wrong, which have worked well in the past 3 years.

I gave Jeanette my usual hug when leaving the ward but also had in the back of my mind "I hope I have my husband back now"

Her comment were not flippant but serious. I am a pain in the week leading up to my 3/4 monthly check up only to be expected but those you are closest to you notice it. I suppose if you have not been through an experience it is difficult to explain but there is no excuse for being a grumpy old man.

Cancer can make you insular, perhaps a warning for us all talk about your fears of impending hospital visits rather than hiding behind a mask.

So things are fine lest keep attacking and see what the next 3 years bring.

3 years on and I am starting to write again

I am back, news of my death has been greatly talked about. It has been 3 years this week. Although the scars of the surgeons knife have healed, my serious external and internal burns have gone and my limp left shoulder exists. Mentally the pain is still there.

I still get big time serious pain from my left shoulder, too much life, too much carrying, too much digging on the newly accquired allottment the daily pain killers help.

I still travel the UK and still work full time without a grumble. I run 20 miles a week, dig my allottment and run my own buisness.

I am three years cancer free. I want to write again, many people have read the blog. Cancer remission is not just about me it affects everyone, my wife, my children my friends and those who seek guidance from my experiences.

In the next few days I will start dusting off the quill pen. I will be writing again. I feel I need it. I have cried over the last few weeks when I remember the start of the journey. I think it is like post traumatic stress.

In 7 days I was told I had cancer. Tonsils were removed, neck cut open and left less-abled for life, and prepared for 7 months of "therapy"

Next Monday I get the 3 year sign off the real MOT.

I want to give you an insight into living after Cancer treatment. I hope you will join me in the journey and an insight into a World which is often rarely seen.

Keep attacking. Nigel alias the Ferryman!

Runners nerves

It is 5 days to go to my 2nd 10k since finishing treatment and the nerves have set in. One reason is that we are just £27 short of £1500 and the second is the added pressure.

I received the follwoing e-mails this morning:

Hi Nigel
I hope that you are looking forward to Sunday!
As planned I would like you to get up on stage and have a quick interview with Charlie from Gemini FM. This will happen approx 10.30am.
I would like to give you the number 1 to wear on the day!
I will leave this at the marquees for you to pick up. Please write your 'proper' running number on the back.
Alison Birkett our Press Officer will be there to look after you on the day and so do ask for her or me when you arrive.
You will also be sounding the air horn for the start of the run.
Many thanks for all of your support Nigel

This was from cancer research. At the time when people ask me to participate in raising cancer awareness I always say yes, but it is not until after that the bad memories come flooding back. At first I thought the whole exercise would provide therapy alas all it does now is provide a stimulus for fear. I am sure Sunday will be fine I am amongst friends everyone running in the race will be there for a reason, a reason for life.

Hey what am I worried about I am alive well, feeling good see you Sunday if you can make it.

Keep attacking Nigel

Help us beat cancer

It is that time of year Cancer Research 10k races are upon us. This year is no different and I am running to raise £1000 this year.

Please dig deep and sponsor me online.
This year is a special year for me, I move into the lower risk group now having being 2 years cancer free. Cancer Research have asked me to be the official starter of the race and raise cancer awareness among men of cancer risks through the local press and media.Donating through this site is simple, fast and totally secure. It is also the most efficient way to sponsor me: Cancer Research UK will receive your money faster and, if you are a UK taxpayer, an extra 28% in tax will be added to your gift at no cost to you.

As someone in remission with cancer I vowed that I would raise £1000 a year for the rest of my life to fight this terrible illness that will afflict and kill one in three of us. I am a lucky one.
Raising this money will go a long way to providing the vital support and help we need.So please sponsor me now and do not forget the gift aid box. You are welcome you join me on the 30th I would be delighted to run with you.Many thanks for your support.

Keep attacking

Nigel

Please feel free to contribute to my appeal.

http://www.10ksponsorme.org/NIGELGOODING

One year today - last ever posting

I am one year on, today 12 months ago my tonsil was removed and tomorrow 12 months ago I was formally told I had cancer, but I knew this time 12 months ago today on Otter ward that I had cancer.

I have lived 12 months, today I got a cheque from my pension fund, I have a new permanent job with a huge opportunity and challenge, and share of a Docklands flat, 2 great kids and solvent after last year of spending all my life savings.

It is time to close down this blog, and say goodbye for those who want to keep in touch please do njgooding2002@aol.com

Thank you to all of you who have looked, laughed and cried with me. I still cry, I am still scared sometimes but life is better than it was 12 months ago, without this blog and you I doubt I would have been here.

Love to you and your kin, keep attacking.

Nigel

Life feels good

The roller coaster of life goes on today was a good day.

I woke up no children getting into bed and wanting a hug, it was like post traumatic stress the silence when I woke up at 0830!

In the shower I finally realised that for years that I have had this perception and expectations of life that failed to match up with reality. Since the cancer I have found new experiences that have enhanced life and finally I realised that the bar of life needs to be set lower and enjoy the life you are given and seize everyday.

I got the bike out to take to Exeter, caught the train and biked around town, wow it felt good, I felt a freedom, wind around my head, a freedom that my legs and arms work and the bike goes quickly. I am amazed by my fitness the run was good, but today the bike ride was pure class.

I had a great coffee and chat with Sheila, then off to my Liberian Democrat friend Vanessa. V is standing for council something which in my past I have done, but alas failed to get elected, something which I have kept firmly in my Ferrymans locker.

I was part of V's door knocking team, ringing peoples bell and selling the message. Of course I had the people who said no thank you, like I was selling double glazing, and the bloke who slammed the door in my face rather rudely, I put him down as a do not know :) The whole process made me feel human, here I was doing what I do best talking to people listening to their issues, lives, important things to them, rather minor compared with cancer, but it was important them and that counted. I talked to people about gardening, railways, car engines nothing to do with dull old politics, but life, a life I am lucky to have. I had adult company at last, talking issues, laughing and had fun. Of course I asked the question can V rely on your vote she is good sort, it went well.

We retired to V's and she opened a red, for those who know I cannot drink wine, but it was smooth. Cancer took away wine for me, it may have aided cancer but wine was a no no because of the burning throat. I was envious V has a fantastic rambling house, full of character, full of people, and full of warmth and love. I am not saying it was a 1960's hippy commune but it did remind me of my days in the "greenfields" at Glastonbury. The collective warmth that it exudes was clear to see and feel.

I was envious of V's house it has everything I want in mine, warmth, charm and friendship, and of course the huge kitchen table where we sat for hours talking and laughing. The kitchen table came alive at tea time with V son, Stefan, and friends George and Sam I felt alive.

I cycled back to the station to catch the train home knowing full well that life has more to offer than the safety cocoon I have built her in Starcross it is time to move on, set the barrier lower and just enjoy, thanks to Chris, Sheila, V and the gang at Thurlow Towers for the does of reality which I now know life is such fun.

Keep attacking

Good Friday

Well it is a Good Friday, ok I may have skin cancer, unlikely but I may have, that is the way your mind works after beating the initial dose.

The irrationality that strikes you is; can I beat it all again? will I need radiotherapy? chemo? lose weight? not be able to eat and face those dark nights alone?

My doctors are great, Dr Perkins of the Starcross clinic, he sent me to hospital this time last year. I owe my life to his professionalism. I cry when I see him, not that he is an unattractive man to extent that you burst into tears, nor does he smell of onions but he is honest, professional and caring.

I went there because I had a strange skin lesion on my wrist. He looked at the offending skin patch, was honest enough not to give me soothing noises, but wanted a second opinion. I remember the last time he said that! Fortunately there will be no need to go to hospital in the surgery there is a Dr, Dr Quinn who specialized in dermatology and has the skills to remove things as necessary.

We discussed the links with mouth cancer SCC and skin cancer SCC and there is unlikely to be any link, his passing words were if it were anyone else I would send them home with a fungal cream and tell them in to come back in two weeks, but with your history I feel we need to just make sure.

I felt special again, wanted, back in that NHS cocoon that looked after me so well. There is a huge sense of well being that I am being looked after and cared for again, a security blanket to look after me these tender days. Of course it will be all right, but does not stop feeling afraid.

It is the last day of Will and Ellen's visit, we have had a great week and on the whole they are well behaved, cheerful, loving kids, just like their dad! There will be a tinge of sadness but then a tinge of relief as I get my life back and my ankles after the corgis have finished snacking.

Enjoy the day and here is a biblical picture for Easter, St Peters in Rome, taken this year from the Presidential Palace, enjoy.

I am off to scoff some eggs!

Ferryman

Roller coasters

There is nothing more scarey than being on the rollercoaster of life.

I called the doctors and had the usual gatekeeper questions is it urgent, of course it is urgent! I had SCC and this could be skin cancer SCC. The weird thing is that I know even it is not more likley I will assume it is.

My children are demanding my attention it is hard to focus on life but have to go and deal with the CBBC website as a very persistant ankle biter is keen to have her dad's full and undivided attention.

So here I am waiting for the doctor to call me back, a list full of hypocondracs before he can see me. Selfish I know but only after cancer can you really understand how you need to be selfish for your own good, otherwise many of us would not be here.

The blog today is written from the floor in the indoor play area at Bicton Park. Sixty plus acres of park built around the start of the 19th century. There is the obligatory cafe, trinket shop, woodlands railway and outdoor death slides. It sits in the red Devon sandstone hills at the start of the Jurassic Coast. Will and Ellen are off making friends and their dad is consigned to the floor as the ankle biters(children) surround the adults like the scenes from the Western films where by the poor rehearsed white settler Americans were massacred by those nasty Indians. After all John Wayne wanted was to raid their tribal lands, steal their cattle, murder their children and commit genocide. History presents different views on life.

At the moment one in three of these vibrant young children in this room will get cancer. One in three of their parents either have or will get cancer. Cancer is no different to those films, it is the Indian fighter surrounding the wagon train but in our case the train is our frail fragile bodies.The news yesterday was dominated by plans to launch a tactical nuclear missile. Tatctical means the same devastating effects that occurred in Japan in 1945. The huge human and of course actual cost of war could be better spent dealing with the World's hypocrisy to deadly illness. Surely money would be well spent increasing the chances of not getting cancer to one in four or five rather tactically killing and maiming hundreds of thousands of people. How can you tactically kill innocent people?The noise here masks a fear. I was showering yesterday and noticed a small red circle on my right wrist about a centimetre in diameter with a clear white centre. It could be just a scratch or it could be SCC. My infected tonsil has SCC the same cancer that causes skin cancer. Of course I have not got cancer well not officially but I may have. It is only a natural reaction to fear the worse.

To reflect on what could be a second cancer coming. It most proberly is not cancer but it could be. It could be a scratch, it could be a wound from gardening. I am going to resist the temptation to self diagnose I got it so wrong last year.

However last year the Easter weekend marked the start of the illness period and I'm determined this year to not let the same happen again.I will wait until Monday then start medical intervention if it does not seem to go away I will not hang around.Anyway brave face time the kids want ice creams. Smile joke and act as if nothing happens fuck I want to scream and cry. Irrational I know but cancer makes you irrational.

Next time u see your MP ask them what are u doing to ease the pain of millions at home rather than causing it!

Keep attacking Ferryman