Saturday, July 09, 2005

DAY 50 - Leave me alone

I saw my 50th day in until 7.00am, I tried to get to sleep at about 11pm the night before but felt something was quite not right. I was aware of a migraine type pain in the top of my head and it was throbbing, and still is.

The next 8 hours proved my instincts right, not wishing to go into too much graphic detail but I was violently sick for the next 8 hours, nothing to extract but the wretching wracked my already weak body to an extent that I have only just got up.

I decided to have a bath at 3am just to try and relax me but ended up writhing on the floor screaming "leave me alone, leave me alone" to an imaginary demon inside my body and head. The extraction material can only be described as a horror film and very unpleasant.

There was a time during the night that I wished I was dead, or asleep for ever, I held a towel, like a child holds a comfort blanket to help me get to sleep. The pain and fear inside me was overwhelming.

I think there is a lot of pressure on me at the moment, eat that, drink this, do that, and mentally I am not strong enough to balance them all up and live for today. You see I need to be able to get through today, eat and drink enough for today and tomorrow is another day, so I need to put less stress on the future and deal with today.

I have had a message that my Uncle Ken, in Leeds has died this morning, a sound bloke, with a big heart and my mums older brother. I feel sad for his family, but know haow hard he fought illness, and strength to me in the 5 weeks left of treatment.

Keep attacking N x

No comments: