Monday, July 18, 2005

Day 59 - Blokism stinks!

Why are some blokes crap! I have tonight cancelled my membership of I joined some weeks ago when I wanted further information on mouth/oral cancer and thought yes be amongst people who have been through similar things and you will get support and strength from them.

Now many years ago when I lived in Exminster I started a men's running group. The ladies group in the village who are approaching ten years of running "The women's running network" was booming with 20/30 ladies turning up each club night. Having run many miles on my own I thought what a good idea it would be to start a men's group for the village. Well we started off with 5, then 3 then 0 and for many nights I would turn up and I would be on my own. I talked to a lot of people and we agreed that men were too competitive to join running groups and the only ones they did join were those who ran quickly and stuffed the team element.

Well is very similar to my running group, you join because you expect support, but end up getting blokes, and they are mainly blokes writing to you telling you how tough they are and they survived and for you sucker it will be hard. I get the impression they think there is some "macho" band of brothers who slap each others back on the pain they endured and how great they are. I clearly got the impression that they were keen to "fear" maybe it is their way of dealing with, maybe it was their way of saying it is going to be hard. I know we are all different and deal with things differently but the site went from support to sharing horror stories. I did make it clear to my fellow sufferers that medical staff had given me the sackful of bad news stories and help would be forthcoming. You can guess what happened more bad news stories from blokes, all about pain, PEG feeding and quite forceful advice to the verge of screaming at me. I did have some fantastic stories from Women, their own experiences and of their partners, non competitive and caring. I have never understood the caveman concept, and never will.

The caveman instinct is very interesting, those who know me well I have been involved in football locally for 25 years since the age of 16, retiring my position as an FA Councillor this year. I am big and ugly enough to know that thanks are few and far between and I never went through 25 years for thanks. However, not one of my former football colleagues have asked how I am or made contact. Yet take Rugby, Wessex RFC have sent their regards and kind wishes, you can guess where my loyalties lie in the future.

People ask why do I have more women then men friends? I rest my case!

Today was very tiring, I slept very well, in fact sleep has been the one blessing of being ill, it is clear my body needs to recover. I got up in time to greet "cleaning for god" Olive the new cleaner, fortunately I managed to avoid the "Watchtower" and got myself off to the Hospital.

When I awoke this morning my throat was very dry and the pain had reduced mainly due to the fact that I had found some chunky painkillers left over from neck operation. However, within seconds of leaving the radiotherapy table I could feel the burning on my throat and the pain return. The usual remedies mouthwash are too harsh without painkillers so I have adopted salty water as an effective short term remedy.

It will not be long before it is liquid only, food still tastes metallic and I have been told it is like being pregnant you try many different things until you find something that you are happy with. Lets hope it involves cheese and blueberry jam :)

I went to bed at 4pm and got up 9pm, after a phone call from Sarah to ask me to help with William who was refusing to go to Tescos! Well cannot blame the lad but it was a hard thing for me to do because I felt helpless as a dad, he went to Tescos and job done. I do worry about how my children have taken my illness and I know William as kept things bottled up so in three weeks time I will be pleased this is over for me and them.

Keep attacking! Nigel x

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