Sunday, July 31, 2005

Day 71/Day 72 - Whitbread bitter

When I was at primary school to get to the shop in the morning we use to cut through the pub car park. I always remember we use to press the top of Whitbread Bitter kegs and get our fingers covered in bitter. We must of stank of beer when we went to School. I was easily led :)

The last 2 days have reminded me of the fizz and froth the beer use to through up our arms, no real ale then. My body has been forcing this white pasty froth into my mouth, and swallowing eases it for a short while before, then reappears ripping my throat open with bile and scar tissue in a sickness I would not wish on anyone.

This weekend I can honestly say has been the worse in my life, most of it in bed, all of it in pain, the only joy seeing my two beautiful children who without them I would of given up this fight weeks ago.

There is nothing witty, sexy, funny, obtuse, eccentric I can think of tonight, apart from I will talking to those close to me about tube feeding, my body is week without food, a throat which is closing and sore and ripped apart, will not last 2 weeks without serious damage and the short term loss of having a nasal tube will have long term gains.

Food and fluid will then be taken care of alllowing me to use all of my energy to fight the weeks ahead.

The ferryman x

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi there Nigel. Hang in there. I've seen the results an NG tube can have. Aimee would not be where she is today without the tube keeping her body going. You need to concentrate all your strength on fighting this evil thing that has taken over your life.
Take care and remember you have a lot of people rooting for you and we all care deeply for you.
Big hugs.
School's out for summer so let me know when you need some company and tlc and I'll come up and stay.
Bye for now
Jillx

mazzagee said...

Nigel

I hope THOSE CLOSE TO YOU help you to make the decision which you feel most comfortable with. This is not advice or a lecture only a comment, from one of THEM.
Having experienced the agony of a very close member of my family with similar cancer to yours, (i.e. of the asophagus), I am well aware of the pitfalls, (not lease of which was acute septic infection of the whole body and near death with 5 weeks of intensive care and 80/20% chance of survival), of not getting enough neutrician. If it hadn't been for the feeding tubes etc. put into the body of this loved one then they would not surely be here now. I do sympathise with your dilemma about food but find it difficult to understand why you suffer unnecessarily when the facilities are there for you to access. It seems pure folly to me that you are going through all this pain when you should be concentrating on allowing your body the best it can get.
Once again this is only a comment and not advice or a lecture. Just an opinion which is what you have invited simply by having this blog available to the world. These words seem harsh but it is, in my opinion, about time you had a kick up the ass about your intake of food. I hope the rest of those close to you feel the same. I also hope that the boot in the rear takes your mind off of the short term loss of having a nasal tube. It is only a couple of weeks of the rest of your life to put up with it. with LOVE AND BEST WISHES. M.X.

Anonymous said...

Feeding tubes are superb at 'filling up the tank'. However, vomiting while a feeding tube is in place is vile indeed. In my experience you can throw the tube up/out. So, my advice, find a quack willing to tube feed you inbetween chemo treatments to give your throat a rest from trying to process hard food, and remove it when you're actually in that 48 hour(ish) period when you're going to chuck what is in your stomache anyway just after chemo. By the sounds of your diary you're nearly there, keep plodding towards your finishing post, 'remission' is a wonderful word.